Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
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They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
reminder
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am