Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
4-yr-old son gave smartest answer ever to “How do you know if something is art?” “People tell you.”
You Might Also Like
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
me: kentucky basketball’s logo looks like two birds having sex
911: sir this line is for emergen- wait what
me: yah turn it sideways
911: …holy shit
My mum was teaching first holy communion class, and a kid asked her “How many communions do you have to do before you’ve eaten a whole Jesus?”
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I just blocked myself. I’m not putting up with this shit either.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine