4-yr-old son gave smartest answer ever to “How do you know if something is art?” “People tell you.”

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Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.


[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!

[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!


*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.


Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”

GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”



me: kentucky basketball’s logo looks like two birds having sex

911: sir this line is for emergen- wait what

me: yah turn it sideways

911: …holy shit


My mum was teaching first holy communion class, and a kid asked her “How many communions do you have to do before you’ve eaten a whole Jesus?”


HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh


I just blocked myself. I’m not putting up with this shit either.


my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine