Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

*Handed a baby*

Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.