40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
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Finally
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?