“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
You Might Also Like
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder