Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.

Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.

wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

What do you do when your nose goes on strike???

You picket…

Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails

Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”

-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him

~ cats

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”