Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!

DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia

Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.

people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”

[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

This staff meeting could have been a haiku.

Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.

Or something like that.

The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.

My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house

…without stopping.

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

☠️☠️☠️

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.

Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.