“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
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Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile