“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
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him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.