Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes

Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.

In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?

Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*

Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man

Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*

Me: touché

Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

debt collector: your bill is outstanding

duck: thank you

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old

Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.

If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]

COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!

COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*

Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.