Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Perfect

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings

GENIE: dude

*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY

‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY

My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.

PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?

ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’

*priest slowly backs away*

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.

Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.

It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon

Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol

Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted

I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.