Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”

Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.

No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.

Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better

[Party]

Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody

Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*

My support group can outdrink your support group.

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER

I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.

Him: Shall we have sex?

Her: I want to wait til we’re married

Him: Ugh fine

Priest: Shall I continue?