I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
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Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house