Picture me eating dinner.
Even more backup dancers.
40% of divorces stem from $ issues.
40% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 20% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
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MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Guess who’s watching Vin Diesel movies all day again? That’s right: Vin Diesel.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
When Jesus went to heaven technically he was moving back in with his parents..
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!