@rw_powers

40% of divorces stem from $ issues.

40% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 20% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

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@iMikosnyc

Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.

@Brianhopecomedy

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

@hatehug

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

@ThatMummyLife

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

@junejuly12

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

@markleggett

Guess who’s watching Vin Diesel movies all day again? That’s right: Vin Diesel.

@SashaBrenner

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

@joejwest

The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

@TheToxicWaster

When Jesus went to heaven technically he was moving back in with his parents..

@comer310

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!