40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
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Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Come back with a warrant
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
Nobody told me that it takes 1-2 business days to put a snow outfit on a toddler