40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.

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If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.


Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.


You are my sunshine.

In the sense that long term exposure to you is slowly killing me.


I’ve replaced my neighbors toothpaste with Napalm, and left him a free pack a cigarettes.

Now we wait.


her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist


At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next


Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.


Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.


My husband asked me if I thought deep down that all of this time together was bringing us closer as a family. And then we laughed and laughed.


[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes