40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
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Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.