@UnFitz

40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.

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@cravin4

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

@Desert_Musings

Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.

@_steamy_mac

You are my sunshine.

In the sense that long term exposure to you is slowly killing me.

@ilovepie84

I’ve replaced my neighbors toothpaste with Napalm, and left him a free pack a cigarettes.

Now we wait.

@prufrockluvsong

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

@fuckfrrankk

At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next

@Arroia

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

@Dawn_M_

Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.

@Divergentmama

My husband asked me if I thought deep down that all of this time together was bringing us closer as a family. And then we laughed and laughed.

@thatdutchperson

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes