Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”

Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.

me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings

boss: what time can you be here

me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now

boss: we’re short staffed today

me: i’m getting seized

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?

What even happened today?

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.

@ candidates for local office

adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

cop: know why I pulled you over?

fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing