40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
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Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
based al yankovic
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?