Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.

Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

She said she was a cat person…

…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.

*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer

HER: it’s ok i don’t drink

ME: ok we have 2 problems

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about

My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.

asking santa clause for nudes

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.

My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.

Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*

Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind

ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.