“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
You Might Also Like
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
☠️☠️☠️
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
PLOT TWIST:
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.