@humanaaron

[4:00 AM]

me: *sneaks into the house*

wife: are you drunk? don’t lie to me I can always tell when you’re drunk because you do that stupid accent

me: aye so av had eh night oot wit me lads, wuts it tae ya? a canny believe yood say such a thing ya feckin wee badger

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Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.

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@pregnant_cat

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
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“uhhh, yeah me too”
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@ericacanrant

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@Darlainky

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@Death_Buddy

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

@krautsauce

“If I had a bookstore I’d make the mystery section really hard to find.”