Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
me: *sneaks into the house*
wife: are you drunk? don’t lie to me I can always tell when you’re drunk because you do that stupid accent
me: aye so av had eh night oot wit me lads, wuts it tae ya? a canny believe yood say such a thing ya feckin wee badger
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My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
911? Yes, I was making donuts and… yes, donuts… yes, I’ll hold. DAMN YOU GUYS ARE FAST!
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
According to WebMD, I have a Client Error due to 400 Bad Request.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
“If I had a bookstore I’d make the mystery section really hard to find.”