Previously On Persistence 😎
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Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*