Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
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You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you