Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.

I have obtained a hat

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…

Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?

Me: this conversation.