“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
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[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what Iβve been up to
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
β40 times.β
βWhat are you talking about?β
βThatβs how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.β
βOkay, so whatβs your point?β
βMy point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.β![]()
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills π
thereβs a pig in my momβs neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like βpenelope is over here eating my tomatoesβ and the owner will be like βgod dammit iβll be right thereβ
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
ΛΙ―ΙΉΙΙ₯ ΚuΙ ΗΙ― op Κ,upΔ±p ΚΔ± puΙ pΧΔ±Ι₯Ι Ι sΙ pΙΗΙ₯ ΚΙ― uo pΗddoΙΉp sΙΚ Δ±
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
My problem isnβt that I lose all my chapsticks. Itβs just that I donβt remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone whoβs doing a headstand in an armchair.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. π now she’s just ms pepper. π bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! π no. βπ dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. π unlearn your internal biases!π©ββοΈ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash βΉοΈββοΈπΆ
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
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Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.