Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

Me as a lawyer:

-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit

USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔

Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?

I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.

What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?

Roses are red

Pizza sauce is too

I ordered a large

And none of its for you

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

Him: I’ll pay for dinner.

Me: I want to pay.

Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.

Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…

?

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it