Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

Nobody:

NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!

Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.

Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.

Lamb: THAT’S your advice?

Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.

Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!

Therapist: (grins sheepishly)

Lamb:

Therapist:

Lamb:

Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?

[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.

guilty

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many

I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.

Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news

Leonardo: what’s the good news

Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers

Raphael: what’s the bad news

Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole

AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me

My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering