400 fucking grocery carts to choose from and I always pick the Ford Pinto with a flat tire.
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Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…