Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

how to screw with your cat’s head 101

My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore

If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔

her: i love bad boys

me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear

I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

friend: i really need your advice

me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person

4: I wanna watch Sing 2!

hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.

4: not today.

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.

Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?

Canada.

I’m just sayin’

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds

Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true

Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.

Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie