400 fucking grocery carts to choose from and I always pick the Ford Pinto with a flat tire.
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i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Yup
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*