Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

If looks could kill

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

“You’d better run, egg!”

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

Is….Is this an option?

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?

Me: only twice a year

Them: and how long does it last?

Me: 6 months

I have always wanted to do this 😭😭

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?

ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?

HER: camembert

ME: me either

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready

I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)