Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!

Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*

I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said

“Engage with the wider community”, they said

“You have the right to remain silent”, they said

A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.

Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

Never ghost your hitman.

before ball parks were invented there was pretty much no way to give someone a rough estimate

Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”

Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?