You Might Also Like
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit