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*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
My circle of trust is a meatball
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Cause of death: Zumba
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.