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If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
what could possibly go wrong?
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
[shakes fist at other fist]
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
DOOO EEEET
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses