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Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.