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At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
don’t message me unless you have this energy
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
What about a To-Don’t List?
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
why am I working on Labor Day
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.