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As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
May never get over this
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Do ducks feel sad?
No, they feel “down”cast.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.