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{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
This took me a second..
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Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
6: are snakes just neck?
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.