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When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
These are so Plastic Man-core
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Still my favourite meme.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min