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I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
It kinda feels like this rn
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.