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Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
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The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
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I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
the chicken was already gone when I got here
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Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.