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Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
If only.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.