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[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
that lip filler tho
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life