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I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Pigeon open mic night.
I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.