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People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
How about daylight saves us for once
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.