You Might Also Like
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Terribly Tuesday.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”