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[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
LOL
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*