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Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
The smoothest fall of all time
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
stand with me against insufficient seating
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
peeping toms
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Drilling for oil is well boring.