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ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
sure, why not
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Lmaoo 😂
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.