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Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I didn’t come here to be called names
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.