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*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.