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What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
“Wait, let me explain..”
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
You’ll be OK
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.