40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
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The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
i want it utterly assaulted.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
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They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me