Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

See ya later, alligator.

After a while, crocodile.

Catch ya mañana, little iguana.

starting a garage orchestra

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.

[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]

11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.

Me: What class is this for?

11: I haven’t started yet.

*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*

-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

[Company Christmas luncheon]

Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?

Me: Ugly sweater contest?

Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.

Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts

Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.

[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”

me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers

her: it’s cool i don’t like music

me: ok we have 2 problems

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts