40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
