40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Fluff me with a fork baby
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
