40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
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“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
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You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
My background check bounced.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice