Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom

Me: I need one washer for the sink

Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces

Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me

Dentist: for the love of God just floss

(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone