41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
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If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Someone just gave me half a peace sign.
weird
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you