Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

[gates of Valhalla]

ODIN: did you die in battle?

[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]

ME: ya

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

[Vaccination center]

Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please

I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies

*Strong man rips a phone book in half

Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?

I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.

“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”

my roommate is freaked out.

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.

She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore