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I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
The fall of Netflix
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.