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Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.