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WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”