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In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
X-tra spooky blend
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
This made me chuckle.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
edward fingerhands
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.