You Might Also Like
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Lol.
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Man these end times are taking forever