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Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.