You Might Also Like
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Don’t make me out nice you.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
Saw online –
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!