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me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
could’ve been anyone
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”