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If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance