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Couldn’t recommend it enough.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable