43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
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You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!