43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
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Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”