Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!

murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed

me: just changing the oil

*Likes every cat post that comes across my feed

Me: MY GOD why am I only seeing posts about cats

I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry

It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.

Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.

Daughter: Anyone there?

Ouija Board: S P O T

Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm

Ouija Board: N O

ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

So many pants.
So little yoga.

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it

smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!

Firefighter:

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”