YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
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I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
1. Dial random number.
2. Wait for answering machine.
3. Say “My wife is out of town, I miss you”.
4. Hang up.
5. Happy Valentine’s Day.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
doctor: *delivering baby* congratulations it’s a girl
me: oooh what’s her name?
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.