@TheToddWilliams

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

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@tastefactory

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u

@fanofhell

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

@shkeeber

1. Dial random number.

2. Wait for answering machine.

3. Say “My wife is out of town, I miss you”.

4. Hang up.

5. Happy Valentine’s Day.

@That_Damn_Duck

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

@sonictyrant

doctor: *delivering baby* congratulations it’s a girl

me: oooh what’s her name?

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

@TheAlexNevil

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

@le_buns

they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”

@david8hughes

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.