@TheToddWilliams
@tastefactory
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
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@tastefactory
@fanofhell
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
@shkeeber
1. Dial random number.
2. Wait for answering machine.
3. Say “My wife is out of town, I miss you”.
4. Hang up.
5. Happy Valentine’s Day.
@That_Damn_Duck
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
@sonictyrant
doctor: *delivering baby* congratulations it’s a girl
me: oooh what’s her name?
@ArfMeasures
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
@TheAlexNevil
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
@Kim_pulsive
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
@le_buns
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
@david8hughes
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.