43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
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hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.